I Love You, David

So basically the first month of school has been really hectic for me. I've been trying to make the most of my opportunities despite all the problems I continuously face. And I no longer have a dollar to my name. I am barely living check by check. I am still waiting on financial aid to get my signature paper for the 3rd time so that my tuition can get paid. I also have been trying to hide the fact that since David went to Nigeria, I feel different about my family situation. I felt that David kept my family together and now it is falling apart more than ever. Right now, I am currently fasting in order to bring myself spiritually closer to God. I feel I need a lot of direction, answers, and support. I really miss you David!

Losing Hope

I am not only losing hope in love, I am losing hope in myself. I need help quick. I'm giving him a world of chances and I end up worst each time. Maybe I was meant to be alone. I just feel so hurt and lost and alone.

I expect way too much

I thought you out of all people would understand me. I thought that you would see what I meant, but instead you didn't. Its like I never knew you. I guess it's all done now. I had so much to tell you but how could you understand me if you misjudged the simplest thing. I continually give you my all and I am rejected. I thought wrong about everything.

Just A Little Bit

Summer has just began and now I have the most annoying crush on a guy who won't give the time of day. I feel even more self-conscious now than ever. I just want to get over this crush but i can't help but smile when he comes around. I wish he noticed me. I hate this. Feeling really really unpretty. I'm lossing confiedence fast. I need to shift my focus and stop waiting on things that will never happen. Can't wait for school to start, I need a distraction.

June Goals!!!

• Increase Blog Content Quality
• Work on Video Samples & Website for POP!!!!
• Edit Summer Concert List
  
• Network for POP
• Attend at Least One June Orientation to Recruit for POP
• Organize Design Portfolio
• Get New Camera
  
• Start Photography Portfolio
• More Show Ideas for POP (including cartoon idea)

So May was a bittersweet month, mostly bitter. I lost or damaged a lot of my life. My car is damaged and so is my heart. I lost almost $1,000(long story). I lost the love of my life, forever. I learned things I never wanted to know about him. Now I could never see him the same way. Sometimes I wish I could forget all the pain and be with him again. But our relationship lost trust and without that we could not function. I can't lie, I miss him a lot. I hope sometime soon I can be alright. For now I'm just shifting my focus and ignoring my pain.

Street Lights & Moments

Yesterday was David's birthday. I LOVE him to death so I threw him a birthday party at chuck e. cheese. He don't really got other toddler friends cause he only talk to grownups so it was only a few of us. It was still fun. They revamped chuck e. cheese it was bigger and had better games. I get jackpot every time we played. On the way back BOOM! Some stupid driver tried to make a quick turn at the expense of the safety of me and all my passengers. We crashed and my day was ruined. My car is now damaged and I am car-less to Lord know when. All of this was cause over the 30 seconds he could have waited before he turned. I can't wiat ot read the report he gave to the police. The fact that my air bags didn't deploy and I had the right-a-way proves that i was driving the speed limit and that I was RIGHT!!!! I wish this never happened. After that I went to the hospital to check out my headache that occurs when I hit head during the crash. Despite the fact the ambulance took two hours to get me, that was not the worst part of the night. I waited in the hospital waiting room for 4.5 hours before I was seen by a doctor. I had to get a CAT scan and wait another 2 hours for the results. I got home at 5:30 am with the a prescription for my mucsles because my body went into shock. I went to get my precription filled today and the pharmacy was closed when I came back to pick it up. Now I'm sitting in bed in pain, without a car, work tomorrow, and lots heartache. I need to get away from this destructive island. I miss my dorm so bad.

Heartbreaks and Headaches

Being home has been a constant reminder of why I left. I feel like I am being attacked from all sides. I feel weak and trapped. I have no other hope than to look forward to the fall. I feel as if my summer ended before it began. Hopefully I will be proven wrong.

Relationship - Trust = Nothing

I am at an unstable emotional state and cannot be comforted. I currently have lost a lot of my aspiration for life. I don't want to die, I just want to give up. I've lost my reason for school and hard work. I've lost more than a lot of trust and faith in people. I don't believe I could every regain it. I hate being at this part in life. The point where love is soon to become a distant, painful, pleasant memory that I avoid. The point where I feel all I've believed and worked towards was not only challenged but defeated. The point where I fear I will never return from at least no time soon and never to be the same again.

April's Goals

• Blog way more!!!
• Work on POP!
• Organize activity for DOSOMETHING.ORG with RHA
• Photoshoot with Lisa and Darren
• Handle camera situation with circuit city

I finally got a job. YAY ME! I also am finally writing an article for the paper. School seems to be going fine except the whole waking up early thing. I still have to figure out my whole dormitory set up for next year by next week. And i have some really cute clothes for my phootoshoot with Darren.

Today they were filming gossip girl by my school. I saw Blake Lively but not Chuck Ed Westwick, sad face. Also, TOPSHOP was having an opening party but we couldn't get in. No surprise. Tomorrow after class I am off to search for the top shop van for freebies and Ed Westwick for a photograph.

Weird

It's hard for me sometimes when I get stuck in uncomfortable situations. I often let them roll over and let go of any feelings I have towards them. Yet, today I can't seem to do that. Although I am not really secret about my sexuality, many people assume what they want to. I understand that everyone is entitled to their own opinion but I still feel offended when people bash my sexuality right in front of me. Then I feel disappointed in myself for not speaking up. I guess part of it is my fault for lack of courage. Yet, it is hard to fight a battle with another when I still struggle with the same battle within myself. I don't know what to do. There is really no one for me to talk about this. I want to express myself openly but I always feel limited. I think all sexualities are beautiful. I never discriminate.

Song Mood: All The Things She Said - t.A.T.u