Cupcake's Riots

I Love You, David

2009-09-23T01:32:00.001-04:00

So basically the first month of school has been really hectic for me. I've been trying to make the most of my opportunities despite all the problems I continuously face. And I no longer have a dollar to my name. I am barely living check by check. I am still waiting on financial aid to get my signature paper for the 3rd time so that my tuition can get paid. I also have been trying to hide the fact that since David went to Nigeria, I feel different about my family situation. I felt that David kept my family together and now it is falling apart more than ever. Right now, I am currently fasting in order to bring myself spiritually closer to God. I feel I need a lot of direction, answers, and support. I really miss you David!

September Goals

2009-09-03T00:37:00.006-04:00

Work for OMGee as Advertising Intern
Work on POP!!! (♥)
Get a Good Camera
Learn New Songs on My Guitar
Move into Pace Dorm
Maintain Healthy Hair
At Least One More Summer Concert!
Fashion's Night Out Sept 10th
Change Work Hours
Save Money!!

August was a hectic month a lot of ups and downs, well mostly downs. September, I've been waiting all summer for this month and now it's here. All I constantly did in August was running errands, working, or setting things up for the fall. I applied to a couple of internships for the fallwinter. I got two interviews hoping for two internships to chose from lol. However, now I'm an official advertising intern for OMGee magazine. I am excited for this coming month and the rest of this semester. I went dorm shopping yesterday at walmart. I got dishes, pots and pans, a towel set, and a lot more cooking stuff. I still have some think to get on my check list in the next 3 days. I know I have a hell of alot work set out for me but I also know I can accomplish it. I made it a priority to surround myself with positive, influential, and resourceful people. The POP TV eboard is already amazingly dedicated and ready to take on anything and anyone. I am way too excited, you probably couldn't tell I am really heartbroken. I'm taking my focus off of love and relationships and focusing on success and friendships.

Losing Hope

2009-08-24T05:22:00.004-04:00

I am not only losing hope in love, I am losing hope in myself. I need help quick. I'm giving him a world of chances and I end up worst each time. Maybe I was meant to be alone. I just feel so hurt and lost and alone.

Parties In The U.S.A.

2009-08-13T20:19:00.008-04:00

So lately I've been applying to a lot of internship and it got me thinking of where I want to intern and work at next year. I have officially decided that I want a job that will allow me to go on entire warped tour. Either as a merch girl or a more official job like a photographer. I guess I would need a camera first. In dedication to great concerts I decided to make a list of people I have seen and want to see.

Seen & Loved:
Miley Cyrus, Metro Station, All Time Low, The Cab, Jonas Brothers, Demi Lovato, Never Shout Never, Cash Cash, Tyga, Asher Roth, Chester French, Katy Perry, Flyleaf, White Tie Affair, The Summer Set, Eye Alaska, The Cool Kids, Lykke Li, Friday Night Boys, Day 26, The Veronicas, Boys Like Girls, Hey Monday

Want/Need To See:
Taylor Swift, Selena Gomez, 30h!3, Fefe Dobson, Cobra Starship, Lily Allen, Linkin Park, N.E.R.D., MGMT, Paramore, Sing It Loud, Tiny Masters of Today, Rihanna, Shakira, Silversun Pickups, The Hush Sound, Valencia, Yelle, Tourtered Soul, The Tings Tings, The Sercet Handshake, The Maine

Right now I am really excited to move back to Pace. I wish I could move in earlier! I am practically packed. The other day I went shopping with my bestfriend and her mom at Walmart. We went crazy over Miley's new clothes and got almost everything. It was an awesome day! Next event for us coming up is six flags on the 28th to see All Time Low! I've seen them perform before at the MTVu Woodies and they were great! Also, I am very ecstatic for POP TV, Pace Press, and whatever internship I obtain. Wish me luck! Currently addicted to and blasting Miley's song Party In The USA.

August Goals

2009-08-03T02:01:00.003-04:00

Finish Portfolio
Work on more for POP!!! (i'm addicted!)
Get a Camera
Learn New Songs on My Guitar
Pack for School (YAY!)
Get Grandma B-Day Gift
Healthy Hair
At Least One More Summer Concert
Apply for More Fall 2009 Internships

Last month was extremely productive and fun(thanks to Kaitlynn, Lisa and Jeanette). POP now has an active blog (http://poptv36.wordpress.com) and it's first commercial (from Do Something.Org). Right now I am designing my digital portfolio and working on some new pieces I just finished a vector drawing of myself and I am now working on one of Chelsea.

Faux Photoshoots & Shiesty Concerts

2009-07-17T14:55:00.005-04:00

The last two days off work have been super fun compared to the rest of my summer. For the first time this summer I got to do things that were strictly fun-based, and not work or business orientated. On Tuesday Lisa, my best-friend, Meka, her awesome cousin, and I went to MTV's show It's On With Alexa Chung(again). The special guests was Kelly Osbourne and the episode was really funny. Alexa said my outfit was really cute, so that partly made my day. After that we walked around store browsing for a while then went back to staten island to take photos. We took a lot of photos in Snug Harbor which I just discovered is a beautiful landscape. We took a bunch of photos that really came out cute. The next day Lisa, Jeanette, and I went to a concert at the Highline Ballroom. We were super excited to see The Cab but kinda sad when we knew Ian wasn't going to be there. However, despite the missing guitar player, stupid girls, and the heat, we had an amazing time. Not only did we get to cut the 3 block long line, we were really close to the stage and we got to meet almost all the bands after the show. I was sore when I got home, but happy. Now I am really excited for this Sunday & Tuesday coming up. On Sunday my friend Tracey is having a beach party. (I've been begging for someone to have one) And on Tuesday Lisa, her friend Corey, and I are going to Six Flags to see NeverShoutNever and The Academy Is. This summer is looking up already.

I'm Getting Addicted to Polyvore.com

2009-07-08T21:51:00.001-04:00

I'll Forever Be 21 by cupcakeriot featuring Forever21

I was at the TOP of my class by cupcakeriot on Polyvore.com

Egoistic Photographer by cupcakeriot featuring Forever21

Mid-Year Assessment

2009-07-02T02:57:00.000-04:00

Looking back on my post "Everyone Makes Pointless New Years Resolutions, Time For A Change", I see the change I promised myself coming to light. I have stayed focused on maximizing my monthly achievements and became more self-conscious of my time. I have also become more resourceful. All of this gives me hope for the rest of the year. I am looking forward to new and bigger achievements. I plan to develop more.

July Goals

2009-07-01T22:06:00.010-04:00

Increase Blog Content Quality(I feel like I slacked lately)
Work on more for POP!!! (T-shirts, Website & More)
Concert Fun! (The Cab &Warped Tour)
Network for POP
Organize Design Portfolio(Halfway Done!)
Get Better Camera & Start Photography Portfolio
Set Date for Pool Party
Learn New Songs on My Guitar
Apply for Fall 2009 Internships

So this whole month has been POP-mania! From organizing things for September to recruiting at orientation. It wasn't the greatest month but POP has made it better. We have all new accomplishments this month: a completed and signed proposal, ready to print business cards, new email (poptv@pace.edu thanks Jeff!), over 100 fans on our facebook page, ready to be edited footage from Andre, a list of eager new freshmen, deals ready to made with other school's organization, and a growing contact list. I feel so excited and proud. I am very glad that we(Kaitlynn, Ivonna and I) took a chance on this idea that was generated by my simple interest during my first semester of freshman year. Well enough about POP I need to relax sometimes I'm a little too excited lol.

So another random thing that occurred this month was getting to finally see my favorite band Chester French perform(and for free too!) at the south street seaport. It was awesome and funny because during sound check a member of the crowd got upset about the lyrics of the song and argued with the stage manager, i couldn't stop laughing. I also got a free issue of PAPER Magazine ♥ (haven't read a lot of magazines lately because I've been broke but PAPER is one of my favorites!). It was a great day! Also in this past month I got go with my friends to MTV's new show, It's On With Alexa Chung! We served as audience members the day my favorite Demi Lovato(I know it sounds like everyone is my favorite but I really love Demi Lovato) visited the show. She was amazingly beautiful and I felt that although her interview seemed shy away from parts of her life, she was still genuine. I hope to see her in concert again one day and hopefully meet her and talk to her about her influence on me. All Demi Lovato lovers be sure to watch Princess Protection Program and get her new sure-to-be-awesome album!

Other things I am looking forward to is my favorite aunt and cousin from Canada are coming to spend the whole month at my house!!!! They always make my summer better and sometimes my aunt seems to be the only one to understand me. She does everything in her power to keep me happy and level-headed. Last summer she let Lisa and I stay with her despite barely being able to accommodate us, however she still did it because she knew I needed to get away from home. I appreciate all her efforts in my life and I am glad to have such a great aunt.

For some strange unexplainable reason I feel the need to discuss my recently added on my iTunes. This one is pretty long, about 30 songs! I downloaded the Nylon 2009 Summer Playlist. It was free and got me listening to new songs I would have probably never downloaded. I am really becoming a fan of the Tiny Masters of Today and La Roux. Also on my recently added list is Demi Lovato's new single "Here we Go Again" and Kid Cudi's "I Poke Her Face" (on repeat lol). Right now I'm in the process of downloading more playlists from Urban Outfitters' website. Free Music is fun!

I expect way too much

2009-06-23T01:04:00.002-04:00

I thought you out of all people would understand me. I thought that you would see what I meant, but instead you didn't. Its like I never knew you. I guess it's all done now. I had so much to tell you but how could you understand me if you misjudged the simplest thing. I continually give you my all and I am rejected. I thought wrong about everything.

Just A Little Bit

2009-06-22T03:23:00.007-04:00

Summer has just began and now I have the most annoying crush on a guy who won't give the time of day. I feel even more self-conscious now than ever. I just want to get over this crush but i can't help but smile when he comes around. I wish he noticed me. I hate this. Feeling really really unpretty. I'm lossing confiedence fast. I need to shift my focus and stop waiting on things that will never happen. Can't wait for school to start, I need a distraction.

Sunday Style Closet!

2009-06-21T01:42:00.002-04:00

I search youtube and find

2009-06-18T00:10:00.010-04:00

When i'm bored I aimlessly search youtube for musicians, mostly undiscovered or up and coming. I find that they have such a uniqueness and pureness in their sound. Today, I watched a video of one my favorite and decided to blog about her. Her name is Hannah Combs. She is a talented young lady with a beautiful voice. When i first heard her she was in a group called curfew countdown, I guess they split but she is still great on her own. Her songs well-written and her covers are amazing. I just want people to check her out. I wish her good luck and hopefully all her dreams come true! Her YouTube Page

Sunday Style Closet

2009-06-15T01:21:00.005-04:00

Decided to bring this back from my old site xquisite design. I'll post new ones every week. So, if you have any request leave the photo link in the form of a comment.

Ellie & Carl & Russell

2009-06-14T23:55:00.005-04:00

I watched UP today after work today and I fell in love with the Disney Pixar mix. The movie was an amazing story with great graphics everything down to the background music was perfect. I laughed, I cried, it envoked all emotions. I don't want to explain much about the movie because I believe that everyone should see it for themselves. But I just want to say that I am proud of Disney & Pixar, this is a movie for the history books. Favorite quotes: "I like you temporarily!" "Won't you please be my prisoner, please please please" & "Adventure is out there!"

I found this very interesting

2009-06-07T23:49:00.002-04:00

What's 'In' and 'Out' on the Job Hunt - Careers Articles

Shared via AddThis

This isn't one of those i LOVE taylor swift twitter length updates

2009-06-07T23:30:00.017-04:00

It's much more! When I first heard Taylor Swift it was about 2 or 3 years ago, the song was Our Song. I was instantly more than interested. I would frequently check youtube & the CMT channel because back then MTV didn't play her songs. I think she started getting popular when Teardrops On My Guitar was released. Just about every preteen and teenage girl knew every beat to that song. I hear a lot of people talk negative about her but I feel most of that stems from jealousy, hate, and lack of facts. Many naive Jonas fans believe she was too immature about the siuation with Joe Jonas. I just see her a girl who got her heart broken. I've seen girls lash out worse towards exes. Also I still don't believe the public had enough information about their relationship to jugde it. Other people who hate her believe that she isn't a "true country" star. Just because she doesn't stick to standards, doesn't mean she doesn't make the cut. I believe she is one of the most talented artist of our generation. She is also amazingly naturally beautiful. She is a contagious and lovable character. She has also managed to not let her success overwhelm her. I look to her as inspiration. She embodies the true meaning of being the best "you that you could be". I had big dreams of seeing her on tour this summer but tickets for her Madison Square Garden show sold out in a record minutes and a half. My friend Kaitlynn has the same infatuation with Taylor Swift as I do. Kaitlynn is determined to become BFFLS with Taylor Swift. I think that would be awesome. I sometimes envy her relationship with her mother. I think it beautiful. I know I will never be that close to my mother but it gives me hope of being a good mother myself one day. I want to have the same type of closeness with my own children. I do honestly believe that Taylor Swift may be my favorite artist of all time. I think both of her albums were extremely beautiful. And I await more from her.

When Will I Be Okay?

2009-06-02T01:10:00.003-04:00

Laying in my bed, trying to fall asleep. I have work really early tomorrow and all I can do is cry. I dont want to cry. I don't want to be that damaged girl. But what can I do when the only person who can stop my tears is the cause of my pain? Why did I let myself ever fall in love. I feel like I'll never be the same. Someone please tell me, when will I be okay?

June Goals!!!

2009-05-30T23:41:00.004-04:00

Increase Blog Content Quality
Work on Video Samples & Website for POP!!!!
Edit Summer Concert List
Network for POP
Attend at Least One June Orientation to Recruit for POP
Organize Design Portfolio
Get New Camera
Start Photography Portfolio
More Show Ideas for POP (including cartoon idea)

So May was a bittersweet month, mostly bitter. I lost or damaged a lot of my life. My car is damaged and so is my heart. I lost almost $1,000(long story). I lost the love of my life, forever. I learned things I never wanted to know about him. Now I could never see him the same way. Sometimes I wish I could forget all the pain and be with him again. But our relationship lost trust and without that we could not function. I can't lie, I miss him a lot. I hope sometime soon I can be alright. For now I'm just shifting my focus and ignoring my pain.

Street Lights & Moments

2009-05-30T17:01:00.005-04:00

Yesterday was David's birthday. I LOVE him to death so I threw him a birthday party at chuck e. cheese. He don't really got other toddler friends cause he only talk to grownups so it was only a few of us. It was still fun. They revamped chuck e. cheese it was bigger and had better games. I get jackpot every time we played. On the way back BOOM! Some stupid driver tried to make a quick turn at the expense of the safety of me and all my passengers. We crashed and my day was ruined. My car is now damaged and I am car-less to Lord know when. All of this was cause over the 30 seconds he could have waited before he turned. I can't wiat ot read the report he gave to the police. The fact that my air bags didn't deploy and I had the right-a-way proves that i was driving the speed limit and that I was RIGHT!!!! I wish this never happened. After that I went to the hospital to check out my headache that occurs when I hit head during the crash. Despite the fact the ambulance took two hours to get me, that was not the worst part of the night. I waited in the hospital waiting room for 4.5 hours before I was seen by a doctor. I had to get a CAT scan and wait another 2 hours for the results. I got home at 5:30 am with the a prescription for my mucsles because my body went into shock. I went to get my precription filled today and the pharmacy was closed when I came back to pick it up. Now I'm sitting in bed in pain, without a car, work tomorrow, and lots heartache. I need to get away from this destructive island. I miss my dorm so bad.

Heartbreaks and Headaches

2009-05-19T01:37:00.005-04:00

Being home has been a constant reminder of why I left. I feel like I am being attacked from all sides. I feel weak and trapped. I have no other hope than to look forward to the fall. I feel as if my summer ended before it began. Hopefully I will be proven wrong.

SHIESTY SATURDAYS!!!!

2009-05-09T03:31:00.002-04:00

May Goals

2009-05-09T03:20:00.005-04:00

Increase Blog Content Quality
Work on Video Samples for POP!
Transfer Job to SI Location
Organize Summer Concert List
Get Gym Membership

So last month I accomplished a lot. Not only did I successful turn 19, I also reached many goals. I caught up with all my classes, presented the business plan for POP TV to both OHRL and the Dean of Students, kept a good balance between work, school and social, achieve the position as photo editor for The Pace Press next year, and went to both Bamboozle and Martha Stewart to celebrate my birthday.

Random Photos That Reflect My Boredom

2009-04-30T17:45:00.013-04:00

Bop Bop Bop Bop. . .

2009-04-19T04:17:00.004-04:00

Favorite Commercials Right Now!!!!

SHIESTY SATURDAYS Edition 3

2009-04-18T11:48:00.014-04:00

This Saturday I HAVE to acknowledge the McCaig-Welles Gallery and their current exhibit, "Queenz Arrive: A graffiti exhibit curated by Indie 184". This exhibit is located in Wiliamsburg Brooklyn and featured work from some of the most talented and respected female artist, including my personal favorite, FAFI!! Some of the other featured amazing artist include: Martha Cooper, Femme9, Acet, Claw$, Hera, Siloette, Zori4, Klor, Nina and Indie herself. This exhibit open April 10th and will be open until May 4th. I NEED TO GO!!

Relationship - Trust = Nothing

2009-04-15T01:27:00.005-04:00

I am at an unstable emotional state and cannot be comforted. I currently have lost a lot of my aspiration for life. I don't want to die, I just want to give up. I've lost my reason for school and hard work. I've lost more than a lot of trust and faith in people. I don't believe I could every regain it. I hate being at this part in life. The point where love is soon to become a distant, painful, pleasant memory that I avoid. The point where I feel all I've believed and worked towards was not only challenged but defeated. The point where I fear I will never return from at least no time soon and never to be the same again.

a love downstream

2009-04-15T01:15:00.006-04:00

Consumed by desires for you
I overlook your every flaw
Until it is possible to question their existence

My emotions slowly become attached
To your interactions with me

Constant dreams of you plague my night
And you be come the daily feature of my thoughts

I recycle excuses
For our lack of connection
And hope that the feelings secretly flow both ways

Every morning becomes the potential day
That infatuation become love.

I wrote this poem in class for a writing exercise. We had to write in the style of Walt Whitman's "Song of Myself"

SHIESTY SATURDAYS!!!! (a little late)

2009-04-13T02:23:00.003-04:00

This blog is a reiteration of a previous blog post by my girl Arianna. It's time to get familiar with my new infatuation chester french. Not only are they good music, they are letting you hear them for free, Go to http://www.chesterfrench.com/mixtape/ to download the free mixtape. It will not be a waste of time. I need not say more, go experience it for yourself.

SHIESTY SATURDAYS!!!!

2009-04-04T02:47:00.011-04:00

New section of my blog, SHIESTY SATURDAY!! Spotlight on the shiesty things in the universe.

Spotlight on: Linn Olofsdotter (One of My Favorite Artists)
Linn Olofsdotter is a Swedish illustration artist who I adore. Her style is simply amazing and unique.

More about her:
Linn Olofsdotter, from Sweden, has explored many mediums before solidifying her career in the illustration field. After getting her education in both advertising and graphic design in Europe and the US, she moved to Brazil to start up a motion graphics studio along with her husband and creative partner. More recently Linn worked as a senior art director at a Boston advertising agency.
During the beginning of her career she used her skills as an illustrator to help brand TV networks such as Fine Living, MTV and Anime Network amongst others. Nowadays Linn works independently creating artwork for a number of clients in the Fashion, Advertising and Editorial fields such as Oilily, La Perla and Bon Magazine.(from: http://www.olofsdotter.com)

April's Goals

2009-03-31T23:55:00.006-04:00

Blog way more!!!
Work on POP!
Organize activity for DOSOMETHING.ORG with RHA
Photoshoot with Lisa and Darren
Handle camera situation with circuit city

I finally got a job. YAY ME! I also am finally writing an article for the paper. School seems to be going fine except the whole waking up early thing. I still have to figure out my whole dormitory set up for next year by next week. And i have some really cute clothes for my phootoshoot with Darren.

Today they were filming gossip girl by my school. I saw Blake Lively but not ~~Chuck~~ Ed Westwick, sad face. Also, TOPSHOP was having an opening party but we couldn't get in. No surprise. Tomorrow after class I am off to search for the top shop van for freebies and Ed Westwick for a photograph.

Fafi = Love

2009-03-20T01:30:00.007-04:00

When I first discovered Fafi's art I became infatuated with the sexual yet cute cartoons. I made several attempt to even meet the artist, herself (failed). Now looking back at photos of her amazing artwork I still find myself in awe. I cannot wait to the day I meet her. I want to ask her to draw a Fafinette cartoon image of me so I can turn it into a tattoo. I will not let anyone other than Fafi design it. I can wait for that day.

Late on the March Goals

2009-03-11T01:57:00.006-04:00

Blog at least once a week including pictures or video
Obtain a steady job( interview this Thursday )
Write at least one poem (i completely forgot to do one:[ again! lol )
Do well on midterms and papers
Read more
Do more personal art projects

I finally got Adobe CS4!! Thanks Kenny, Josh, & Frank. Since then I've been using my free time to create line art. This month is crazy busy and kind of crept up on me. I'm still dealing and managing and progressing. More to come.

Brooklyn Nights

2009-02-28T13:10:00.004-05:00

Last night equals a blur of lights, smoke, and music. It was the best night out at Pace so far. Although it took a while to get there, included getting lost, it was all worth the struggle. The party was a freaking riot. I was extermely glad that two of my hight school friends came to visit and party with us. I can not wait for another one (next time no heels though). Brooklyn kids know how to party.

Pancakes and Jonas

2009-02-24T23:40:00.003-05:00

It's been an interesting month so far. A lot has been achieved. Most importantly I finished my RA selection "competition" lol. Although very stressful it was a great learn experience. I saw the Jonas Brothers. :D It was a great day. The show aired on MTV February 23rd. My video was include in the intro for the show, exciting. lol. Today was free pancake day, I day I greatly look forward to. At the RHA meeting today I had a really tasty pancake but my trip to a IHOP is brooklyn was an epic fail. I am currently working a huge media project, with great help from Ivonna and Kaitlynn, that I hope will cause a good change for Pace. WISH ME LUCK

Insight

2009-02-14T17:55:00.002-05:00

Looking back,

I realize life.

I comprehend the truth,

I acknowledge the lies.

I see the promises,

Some kept,

Others unfulfilled and broken.

I notice the doors,

Old opportunities closed,

New ones opened.

Yet most importantly I feel the change,

I understand the growth.

I realize life.

February's List & Other Updates

2009-02-04T23:09:00.004-05:00

The LIST

Blog at least once a week including pictures or video
Obtain a steady job( still trying:[ )
Start getting body healthy(way more! like exercise and diet)
Write at least one poem (i completely forgot to do one:[ )
Do at least one article for school paper or CCL

January wasn't a big success. Relationship is still hot and cold. I don't know what to do with myself. My new classes are okay, but early. Being here is still happier than I could ever be at home. I never as to leave. Too bad I have to. Stupid father called today, her forget whether I was born in May or February again for the 13th year in a row. Not to mention he promised to call me back about 4 months ago. February has been real busy so far. Lots of meetings and clubs and organizations. However it's not overwhelming, yet.

Weird

2009-01-21T02:04:00.015-05:00

It's hard for me sometimes when I get stuck in uncomfortable situations. I often let them roll over and let go of any feelings I have towards them. Yet, today I can't seem to do that. Although I am not really secret about my sexuality, many people assume what they want to. I understand that everyone is entitled to their own opinion but I still feel offended when people bash my sexuality right in front of me. Then I feel disappointed in myself for not speaking up. I guess part of it is my fault for lack of courage. Yet, it is hard to fight a battle with another when I still struggle with the same battle within myself. I don't know what to do. There is really no one for me to talk about this. I want to express myself openly but I always feel limited. I think all sexualities are beautiful. I never discriminate.

Song Mood: All The Things She Said - t.A.T.u

As Hope Grows

2009-01-19T00:53:00.005-05:00

If Martin Luther King Jr was around for this event, pride would overflow in his heart. As a nation progress can be seen vividly through not only one man but what that one man symbolizes, the growing hope for our nation.

Disappointment

2009-01-18T17:41:00.003-05:00

This feeling is so annoying: the feeling of trying and failing. I am defeated, for now.

Vampires = Sex and other problems

2009-01-14T23:46:00.008-05:00

I have a slight obsession of vampire related stories, movies and television shows since I can remember. I often recall times in my childhood when I wished to be one really bad. I cannot remember what triggered my affection for them but it hasn't left me since. And with all of this, I have still managed not to read or watch twilight. I think it might put me over the edge, lol. I know this is a random post but it was what was on my mind right now.

In other news, as far as my goals go for the year. I am blogging more often. I am trying my hardest to obtain a job. I am also eating healthy and less often than before. The poem is still unstarted but not forgotten. And my RA application is great progress. I started the form, revised my resume, and got to letters of recommendation(one more needed).

This "vacation" was a miserable waste of free time. I babysat my very active but adorable david everyday from 8am till 8pm bearly any breaks. I know I enjoyed getting to see him since I rearly get the chance, however, I disliked the fact that my parent abandon me and left me responsible for almost everything. This was the difinitely the coldest winter ever. Christmas was also a waste. I tried to be in the spirit of giving instead of reciving but all got was complaint and only on thank you. I spent all my hard earned no sleep having final stressing money. But I learned my lesson I think. I grew up with this family yet somehow I always manage to be the only one burned by them. I should have learned my lesson before now.

However, I'm leaving this miresable island on friday. YAY! Saturday will be full of jobhunting and schedule planning. I'm spending the weekened with my awesome new friend Kaitlynn. We are going to work on our RA application and try and find other things to do around the city.

I have so many plans for this new year, I'm not going to let anything try and stop my progress. I'm still on a positive note and I'm trying to stay here.

Song Mood: Decode - Paramore (vampires=sex)

I Promise

2009-01-07T02:06:00.008-05:00

Open my heart Give it to you Tell the whole world that I'm in love with you Whatever you want baby I'll do I know I don't want nobody else but you. . .
Tonight I just made the most important decision of my life, I chose love. And I never want to loose it again. I know now starts a hard journey to forever but God-willing, we'll make it. It's been 3 months, felt like forever. I thought I would loose 3 years in 3 months. I was scared, insecure, and unbelieving. This almost caused me to loose the person who is and will always be there for me regardless of anything. I'm so glad I made this decision. And I promise to always love him.

Everyone Makes Pointless New Years Resolutions, Time For A Change

2009-01-01T00:35:00.004-05:00

Instead of making empty promises about what I want to do this year, every month I am going to set about 3-5 goals and aim to fulfill most of them before the month is over. The goals range from simple to difficult, but they will all lead towards a better year and life for myself.

January's List

Blog at least once a week including pictures or video
Obtain a steady job
Start getting body healthy
Write at least one poem
Finish RA application

Save Room

2008-12-09T21:51:00.003-05:00

This just might hurt a little, love hurts sometimes when you do it right, don't be afraid of a little bit of pain pleasure is on the other side. . .
My whole outlook on life and relationships has changed in such a short time. When you're inexperienced you have so much hope in your soul that nothing is impossible; then you experience pain, fell hope, doubt all, but finally you learn, you grow, and try harder.Right now I'm at the learning/growing stages. I'm still young, I have much to learn and a lot more growing up to do. People often say "it's better to have loved and lost than never to love at all" and I never believed it but now I feel its it true more than ever. Even if you've loved and lost you still experienced that great feeling of love that everyone should have at least one. Everyone needs it despite what they believe. So I'll save room for love.

I Hate This Part Right Here

2008-11-01T20:16:00.004-04:00

I can't take it any longer Thought that we were stronger All we do is linger Slipping through my fingers I don't wanna try now All that's left is goodbye. . .

Sitting her now. And I can't take it. I can't understand why I let my insecurities and my lack of self-esteem hurt him. The only way to help him is to end it i guess. He changed for me. He fixed. I broke. I'm still unfixed. I told him goodbye and he said "bye". It's with him but now my misery grows. I hate this part right here. I don't know how to be happy. I wish I had some help. School only makes it worse. I'm behind on my school work. I cant focus. All I can do is hurt and cry.

Damaged

2008-10-17T01:32:00.003-04:00

My heart’s at a low, I’m so much to manage, I think you should know that I’ve been damaged

I thought I was all right till tonight. I haven't seen tears in a while but tonight they came. It hurts when you feel alone and the one person that is there for you is the one that hurt you the most. My heart is still damaged. TLC sang my soul. Nothing else expresses how i feel then these words:

I know I’m kinda strange, to you sometimes Don’t always say, what’s on my mind You know that I’ve been hurt, by some guy But I don’t wanna mess up this time

And I really really really care And I really really really want you And I think I’m kinda scared Cause I don’t want to lose you If you really really really care Then maybe you can hang through I hope you understand It’s nothing to you

My heart’s at a low I’m so much to manage I think you should know that I’ve been damaged I’m falling in love There’s one disadvantage I think you should know that I’ve been damaged

For A Pessimist I'm Pretty Optimistic

2008-10-13T02:05:00.004-04:00

I put my faith in you, so much faith in you and you just threw it all away, you threw it all away. . .

"I love you" those words should never be uttered unless, you have the feelings to back it up. I do have those feelings but I was trying to keep them caged from him. I don't want to get stuck again. I'm scared that he'll mistake "I love you" for meaning "I trust you". But I don't trust him, I don't know when I every will. It hurts walking around feeling like he could break my heart again. I'm not trying to dwell on the past problems but its hard not to remember once in a while. I am still yet to learn how to grow from everything I experienced. I am still yet to know how to live my life. I told him I loved him despite all the warnings I gave myself, but I guess it want hurt as bad if I'm expecting to get hurt. I hate to be so pessimistic but I'm scared to believe in the alternative and be let down.

Hallelujah

2008-10-12T01:51:00.004-04:00

Somehow everything's gonna fall right into place, If we only had a way to make it all fall faster everyday. . .
I've talked to him alot lately. It's been great but still not the same. I didn't know if we've learned our lessons or we just can't. I want to say "I love you" at the end of every conversation but it's not time for that. Everything is still so awkward. Hung out with my bestie today. It was a great escape from it all. It was reallly fun.

Goodbye

2008-10-10T03:57:00.006-04:00

I remember when we kissed, I still feel it on my lips, the time that you danced with me with no music playing, I remember the simple thing, I remember till I cry. . .
He called me three times today but that was only after I texted him. Was it truly and accident or did i really need some type of contact with him to make me feel better? His voice on the phone gave me chills. I didn't say much cause I didn't want to cry. I don't understand myself. Because at the moment I heard his voice I almost forgot all of the hate and just wished he was closer. I just wish this all never happened. I want things to be normal again. Am I just feeling like this because of a lasp in judgement? I don't know what's best for me.

Worth The Wait

2008-10-09T01:43:00.017-04:00

All the long nights dreaming of forever someday we will be together I know it will have been worth the wait ooh please wait for me. . .

Crying again. Wondering hard. I can't stop thinking about it. I need a solution. And until then I need comfort. I need help. Right I feel so alone. I feel worse then hurt. I try so hard to keep myself preoccupied away from my thoughts. But that can only work for so long. I keep telling my heart "a little bit longer and I'll be fine" but will it be worth the wait??

Incapable of Love

2008-10-08T00:25:00.007-04:00

Don't be too scared She's come prepared For more than a broken heart It's too late to be strong. . .

I didn't lose any sleep last night. He hasn't tried to call me since that night. But I don't want him too. I'm trying to get him out of my focus but people make it inevitable. I don't want to cry but people make it inevitable. I don't want to hate him, but I think I might be temporarily, maybe even permanently incapable of love. I still don't know how to cope with what I feel. He didn't physical bruise me but my heart is more than damaged.

I went to the United Nations today. I think its one of the most interesting places I've every visited. Yet, I can't understand how many countries including the USA, UK, and Japan find it so hard follow the UN's advisement. It all makes sense for the betterment of the world and well-being of future generations. As thought about this I realized our global and personal hindrances. Yet, I still believe that we can improve.

On The Line

2008-10-07T01:16:00.005-04:00

One in the same, never to change, our love was beautiful. We got it all Destined to fall our love was tragical. . .

I'm sitting here at my desk. I know I have to sleep soon but something is keeping me away my bed. I think laying on it will allow me to let down the guard that I've had all day. I haven't cried over him all day. But what if I lay down and allow my tears out now? Will that defeat my whole success today? Was today really a success or was I just preoccupied? I wonder what he did today? I wonder if tomorrow be as "successful" as today. I wonder when it will get better. For now its all on the line.

24 hours

2008-10-05T22:56:00.006-04:00

I'm sick of wish I'm here You've gone your way, you've made it clear Why do i feel you everywhere?. . .

Currently on my bed. Thinking about how stupid I am. He hurt me. Yet, my heart is still calling out for him. I always swore to myself I wouldn't be like those girls who were ignorant to the truth until it was too late. Was I ignorant too? Is it too late? Had our relationship always been this bad. It's only exactly 24 hours, yet so much as changed. I'm scared. Scared that others might have feel his pain. I know the only way to console him is to submit. But is it worth giving myself up? Am I stupid for worrying about him so much, when he was wrong? Why do I feel terrible? Why does the silence remind me of the painful empty feeling that came into my heart 24 hours ago? Why does every thought of him bring me to tears? Why do I wish we were still together? Am I stupid? I truly lost a very important part of me 24 hours. Will I ever get it back? Do I need it? I need help. I think I'm at the point where my heart can't break anymore. Does that mean things are going to get better?